I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Operation Purity has been aborted
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
