C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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