i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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