I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
