I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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