I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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