My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
