Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
