ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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