Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Jerry, you need to find god
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
