I'm gonna have a badass scar
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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