if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
