Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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