don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
