Kiss
Puke
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
