In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
