i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
