I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
is that a dick in a sweater?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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