rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
