why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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