Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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