i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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