I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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