I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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