Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
