I'm gonna have a badass scar
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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