we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
