I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
