im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
