i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
