Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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