I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
