If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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