You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
