turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
