that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
