bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
