How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
