If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
