I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I faked an abortion last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
