you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
