My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
