last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
