Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
