his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
