My sheets look like a crime scene.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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