she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
