Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
