My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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