im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
