i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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